When Your Heart Doesn’t Feel Ready To Recover

Maybe you know what to do…but you don’t want to do it. 

You understand that your eating disorder takes away more than it gives. 

You understand that you need help. 

You understand that you are sick. 

You know you need to eat bigger meals. 

You know you need to stop restricting food. 

You know you need to stop binging and purging. 

You know you need to get rid of your scale. 

You know you need to spend less time on social media. 

You know you need to stop counting calories. 

You know you need to stop working out twice a day.

You know you need to stop working out at all.

You know that you are not well.

In the deepest part of your inner being, you know. 

You know what is right. 

You know what is wrong. 

You know what to do. 

You know how to recover. 

But what you know in your head is far different from what you’re feeling in your heart. 

You want to workout. 

You want to relieve your anxiety. 

You want to be thin. 

You want to binge. 

You want to purge.

You want to numb yourself.

You want to lose weight. 

You want to restrict. 

You want to skip meals. 

You want to fit into your smallest pair of jeans. 

You want your friends and family to leave you alone. 

You want to be in control. 

You know what you want, but you also know that what you want isn’t good for you.

Maybe you’re willing to try.

Maybe you’re willing to try to eat more, to not purge, to follow your meal plan…you’re willing to try, so you do. 

But then, you remember how hard recovery is:

You try to follow a “balanced” diet, but you end up stuck in a cycle. You restrict, then binge, then purge, then restrict again… then binge, then purge…

You fight back tears as you count calories in your head at a restaurant with your family…

You skip a meal & pass out at work…

You follow your meal plan but you feel so bloated…

You become nauseous thinking about foods you used to love…

You feel okay in your body, then a nurse accidentally tells you your weight…

You become full after only eating a few bites of your sandwich…

You finally feel like you’re walking in the right direction, until someone comments on how “healthy” you look…

You no longer use your eating disorder to cope, so you turn to other self-destructive coping mechanisms…

You feel like you have no purpose, so you stay in bed all day…

Your heart doesn’t feel ready to recover.

You feel like no one understands, so you are tempted to turn back to the one who is enslaving you day-in-and-day-out.

You are tempted to turn back to your Eating Disorder.

But you don’t have to. 

That decision is in your hands. Don’t give ED that power back. 

So what do you do?

You fight for Freedom.

Freedom, real freedom, comes when you choose to do the thing that you do not want to do, so that in the future, you are empowered to make decisions that enhance your life, health, and well-being.

Freedom is doing what you know in your head is right until your heart begins to heal, believe, and understands that you have a hope and a future. 

In recovery, we have to rip out some weeds that are choking out the beauty in our hearts. And that hurts. It hurts really bad. 

But the end product is a soul that is healthier, stronger, and more beautiful than ever before. 

This is how you recover, by doing the next hard thing, the next right thing. 

You recover by choosing recovery even when your heart isn’t ready. 

You gain life by choosing recovery even when your heart isn’t ready. 

And then slowly, gradually, you start to change. 

You start to grow. 

You start to transform. 

And all of a sudden, the things that used to be so difficult for us are now a thing of the past, all because of one decision to trust the truth over your feelings. 

 

 

1 Comment

  1. Wow! Just exactly how I feel right now!! i’m so thankful for your way with words and expressing just how I feel!!! So thankful for you!!!

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