Is there such thing as being too recovered?
Too comfortable in our bodies?
Too relaxed about our exercise routines?
Too laid-back about our diet?
ED sure thinks there is.
The more progress I make in recovery, the more and more I hear ED whispering in the back of my mind that I need to snap out of it because I am losing control all too quickly. He tells me that I am getting too comfortable with the whole recovery process, & that I should be a lot more conscious of the mistakes that I am making. To be “too recovered”, in ED’s mind, is to be a failure.
ED still makes me feel uneasy about the meals that I eat each day. If I have a snack, he questions it. If I am not starving before a meal, he tells me I did something wrong. He wants me to go back on a diet. He wants me to count calories. He wants me to eat less carbs. He looks as me in disgust when I eat dessert. He wants to dictate my diet, & for too long I let him do just that.
ED doesn’t just follow me around during meal times. He also checks up on me each morning and urges me to check my weight. He criticizes my body. He decides what outfits I wear. He fixates on the part of my body that he thinks need to change. He makes me feel guilty for giving away clothes that don’t fit anymore. He sees me in pictures and tells me that I will never look as good as I did when I was locked into a relationship with him. Sometimes he comes with me to hangout with my friends. He makes it known that I the girls I am with are much prettier and smaller than I am. He distorts my vision. He deceives my soul. He tries to manipulate my mind & convince me that I am doing something wrong. He always has something negative to say about me, my weight, my diet, or my recovery. ED wants me to believe the lie that there is such a thing as being “too recovered”. He wants me to quit before finishing the race, and he will do anything in his power to keep me from fully recovering.
It is only when I take a step back that I am reminded that being “too recovered” for ED means that I am one step closer to being FULLY recovered. Enjoying food without guilt, learning to love your body, accepting the things you cannot change, throwing out your scale, and nourishing your body are all good, normal, healthy, & beautiful things.
How beautiful would it be to spend less time comparing ourselves to others on social media and more time pursuing things that actually have value and purpose?
How glorious would it be to disconnect, be still, and not be bogged down by anxious thoughts?
How relieving would it be to not have to perform for anyone or anything, even ourselves?
How wonderful would it be to be able to go out to dinner with friends or family, and not fear the foods on the menu?
How empowering would it be to personally decide when to say “yes” and when to say “no”?
How fun would it be to have dessert before dinner?
How crazy would it seem to spend an entire day doing absolutely nothing?
How rare would it be to never go on a diet again?
How weird would it be to exercise because we love our bodies, not because we are trying to change them?
How lovely would it be to fully embrace recovery, the good, bad, & beautiful?
How fortunate would it be for a little girl to grow up with a mother who doesn’t criticize herself in the mirror each morning?
How freeing would it be to truly believe that our weight is no indication of who we are, why we are loved, and why we are of value?
This, my friends, is life without ED.
Many of you may life a life completely apart from ED. He has no power over you. He doesn’t control your decisions, & his voice is weak in your eyes. You, by definition, are “too recovered” for ED.
Many of you, like me, have had glimpses of life without ED. We have experienced some of the things that I mentioned above, but it’s not every day. We still have to fight off lies. ED still has some influence in our lives, whether or not we would like to admit it. He criticizes us every step we take towards recovery. He makes us feel uncomfortable when we are following our meal plan and practicing self-care. He tries to knock us down (and keep us down) every chance that he gets.
If being “too recovered” means temporarily feeling uncomfortable & uneasy so that I can get rid of ED for good, I am all in. Full recovery is complete freedom. It’s redemption. It’s a chance to rebuild our lives. It’s an escape from an abusive relationship that has lasted all too long. Recovery is life, & that’s something worth fighting for.