With Fear and Trembling

There are many things in this life that God is calling me to do that cause me to fear and tremble at the thought of such daunting tasks.

God has blessed me to form a covenant relationship with Him and Josh. As a wife, I will have the responsibility of loving and taking care of one of God’s precious sons. I am called to love unconditionally and submit to the wisdom and guidance that Josh receives from God the Father and the Holy Spirit. I feel completely inadequate to live out such a calling.

Since Mid-March, God has been calling me to let go of my eating disorder that has been so enslaving for so long. He has asked me to walk along a difficult road of pain, sorrow, confusion, hurt, and disappointment. I want more than anything to be free, but there are still parts of me that want to be fully recovered but still hang on to some of my ED thoughts or behaviors. The thought of letting go terrifies me.

God has been placing people in my life who are particularly difficult for me to love. I don’t have any desire to love people who have hurt me or someone close to me. The thought of doing do makes me feel uncomfortable and angry to be completely honest. It’s easy for me to love people who love me. For people who don’t like me or offend me, that’s a different story. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to love the more “difficult” people in my life.

This winter I am applying for dietetic internships in hopes that I will one day be able to become an registered dietician. If I don’t get an internship, I am afraid that I won’t have a purpose in life and that I will be bored. I am scared that I will have to work a job that I don’t truly enjoy. I am afraid of failure. On the flip side, if I do get accepted into an internship, I am intimidated and nervous about the thought of being responsible for the health and lives of so many people. I feel a calling to work with people who suffer from eating disorders, but I know that I have to fully recover first. There is a lot that has to happen before my dream of becoming an RD can become a reality and I am not sure if I am up for the task.

I would love to be able to start a family with my husband once we are married for a few years. The reality is that many people can’t have children, and I am terrified that I will be one of those people. If I am able to have kids, I am not so sure if I know how to navigate raising them in a generation that is growing increasingly dark and deceptive. I don’t feel well prepared to disciple my kids and raise them up as laborers for this lost world.

God has been revealing to me many changes that I need to make and sacrifices that I need to be able to surrender if I want to walk humbly before Him. I am struggling to let go of the things in this world that provide me with tangible peace.

I know that living with IBS may very well be the “thorn in my flesh”. I am not okay with that. It causes me to fear and tremble thinking that I will have to live the rest of my life fighting anxiety and stomach pain.

As Christians we are called to suffer…everything about my heart hates that. I have being uncomfortable, I hate pain, and I hate it when others have to walk through it. I know that I will have to walk through many trials before I reach eternity. This world is so broken. Above all, this causes me to tremble in fear.

Jesus calls all of his followers to “Go and make disciples of all nations”. Sharing the gospel with strangers (or even my closest family members and friends) is a very scary challenge for me. I care too much what other people think about me and I am intimidated. I value relationship and friendship and don’t like jeopardizing those things.

I feel completely inadequate and overwhelmed by all of these things. I know that I don’t have the power within me to walk through some of the things that God has called me to do. I know that it is impossible for me to do what he is asking me to do. Yet, I know that God doesn’t expect ME to do any of the things that he has called me to do. I know that it isn’t my responsibility to do good enough or be good enough. It’s my responsibility to abide in Him, surrender to him, and walk in obedience, no matter how much fear is within me. God takes care of the rest…he always has and always will. If I was expected to live this life alone there would have been no reason for Jesus to go to the cross. He would have died for nothing.

 “Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed–not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence–continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is GOD who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.” -Philippians 2:12-13

What does this look like practically? For me, it involves quieting my mind and sitting before the throne of God each morning and asking for his wisdom, guidance, and sustaining strength to help me navigate the waters each day. It requires me to surrender all of my fears and plans into the hands of God the father, and trusting that he is in complete control. It causes me to gaze upon the glorious presence of the Father and eternity with him in heaven rather than fixating on myself and my own problems. God calls you and I to “work out our salvation in fear and trembling”. In other words, having trust in the salvation that ONLY Jesus can attain for us looks like walking in obedience to God out of love for him, even when it scares us. It is only by trusting in Him that I am able have peace about my past, present, and future.

XOXO,

Em

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